Boundary
bound·a·ry
/ˈbound(ə)rē/
Noun
a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.
a limit of a subject or sphere of activity.
In the context of the definition above, boundaries tend to be seen as limiting. But, perhaps they really aren’t.
Healthy boundaries are important in every facet of life. Whether it be in your personal relationships or your work environment, a healthy boundary between what you are willing to accept or put up with is key.
The boundaries you develop, put simply, are the standard in which you hold yourself to. You develop these standards through personal experiences with work, relationships, personal image, and so forth.
About three years into working in advertising, an industry that knows no bounds when it comes to work/life balance, it became evident that I needed to set some loose boundaries for myself. Everyone around me was working until midnight on average, and I was one of them.
My boss at the time had a very clear boundary that she made when leaving the office. She actively chose to leave her work computer at the office each day. One day as I was packing up, she looked over at me and laughed. It was 8:30 PM on a Tuesday, and we were gearing up for a crazy next day. I looked over to her and asked, “what’s so funny?” and she simply said, “why do you need your laptop tonight? Leave it here! It’s 8:30 PM, and anything you have to address can wait until morning.”
At the time, this felt so wrong to me. The paranoia of leaving my laptop at my desk overnight and a hot email coming in like a fire sending our project spiraling downward, or any of the other catastrophic “oh shit” moments that I could experience between 8:30 PM on Tuesday evening until 8:30 AM Wednesday morning, left me incredibly anxious.
She practiced this habit every day though. In the year and a half that I worked with her, she only took her laptop home two or three times. Of those times, they were very circumstantial and required her attention during offline hours.
I didn’t start this similar practice until about a year later when I was fortunate to begin a new opportunity in New York City. We were working insane hours - I’m talking 70-90 hour weeks, weekends, holidays… you name it. My first summer in New York City was completely centered around work, and I kind of hated it. I canceled plans I had made well in advance, missed prepaid cooking classes, and last-minute un-RSVP’d to weddings. Virtually the only time I had for myself was the :45 minutes between my taxi ride home and the moment my head hit the pillow. This affected my relationships with my friends, the man I was seeing, and both my physical and mental health. I was stressed, and unhappy, but saw nothing wrong with it because this was my career. The shit part is, I didn’t really hate it all the time, in fact, there were days that I loved it. The energy, constant emailing, and problem-solving were absolutely thrilling.
And then one day I had a really bad day. I looked at my supervisor at a quarter till 6:00 and told her I was leaving. I left my computer and went straight home. I mindlessly walked to the subway, popping in my headphones blaring some depressing melancholy tune to block out the upbeat noise and energy of the energetic people blurring past me. I walked to my door, climbed the stairs of my five-flight walkup in the East Village, and dropped my bag by the front door. Left my dying phone on our small c-shaped coffee table, and crawled to my bedroom.
The next day I woke up feeling so energized. For the first time in months, I had an uninterrupted night of sleep and woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed ready to take on that crisp October day. My mood was better, I felt optimistic and even kind of excited for what I had missed.
I read my daily marketing smart briefs on the subway ride to the office, had time to enjoy a cup of coffee at my desk, and then finally opened my laptop to dig into the emails I had left at my desk at 5:45 the afternoon before. As I expected, there was a slew of fires I needed to quickly put out, but each of the problems was just as easily handled this morning.
So on this day, it clicked. I had to create a clearly defined boundary for myself and work because the habit I was following had stripped the passion out of what I loved in advertising and was creating a really unhealthy balance.
Fast forward to today, even now living in a COVID non-commuter stuck in my apartment with my dresser acting as my work desk lifestyle, I have developed a series of healthy habits that work for me.
Each morning I wake up and read my marketing briefs from the 4-5 newsletters I subscribe to in bed. I then get a cup of coffee, either from one of my favorite spots Saltwater on the east side or Think Coffee in SoHo, or my own cold-brew concentrate from Trader Joes. I get in touch with some of my friends to pick up a conversation from the night before or simply check-in to see how they’re doing. I make breakfast, usually an avocado toast of sorts or sausage and eggs. And finally, I sit down at my dresser, my mock-desk of sorts in my tiny apartment, and dive into work.
These are just a few things I do each morning that make my transition in the morning much happier. These boundaries don’t keep me from ideating and thinking about my passionate career in the world of advertising and marketing. Instead, they help me grow through the healthy habits I lay as my foundation.
To be clear, healthy work boundaries also come with time and experience. I would never discount the amount of time and hard work it takes in order to evolve through the various stages of your career or even a singular project.
Starting out as an intern and working the grueling "get me coffee and that social report within :30 minutes" hours while navigating my senior year of college earned me a full-time position, and shortly thereafter a promotion. Jumping on a new opportunity at an agency in Atlanta where I had the opportunity to work on some insanely cool clients, created an even better opportunity to join a world-class agency in New York City, and another promotion a few months in. The way you balance your time will contribute to how successful you will ultimately become.
Shifting gears a bit, in my relationships, I had developed a series of unconscious and conscious standards that I held with my family and friends. As an extrovert and a creative mind, I find it incredibly important to surround myself with people who have a similar desire for life that I do. A sense of purpose and excitement to make an impact or difference in society. No matter their industry, they strive for a sense of passion in their everyday life and look to live to work.
In the same lane, I’ve found it increasingly important that I set boundaries in my romantic relationships. Through understanding my limits of what I am willing to put up with, what I am unwilling to compromise, the things that drive me nuts, and what I desire in a partner, it’s helped me in weed out guys I won’t jive with within the first few minutes of a first date.
Once, I went on a date with a guy who within the first few minutes of our first date had decided he would order for me. Sure, I was surprised and somewhat charmed by his assertiveness, but it also sort of pissed me off that he didn’t even ask what I wanted. He ordered me a sour beer and an eggplant appetizer of sorts. I hate sour beer and despise eggplant with every fiber of my being (I can’t help it, it’s a texture thing). I slowly drank my beer but couldn’t muster more than one bite of the eggplant dish, and he absolutely noticed. He called me out on not enjoying the dish, that I was being too picky, and made fun of me for not eating. All of which really rubbed me the wrong way, and revealed that he and I don’t have the same standards in what we were both looking for in a partner.
And at this precise moment, only about :30 minutes into our date, I had decided that I really couldn’t stand him. The standards I had for the way I wanted to be treated, especially on a first date, simply weren’t met.
He had sort of infiltrated, at a high-level, the boundary I set for myself in being with a partner who values my opinion and at least makes me feel heard. And, well perhaps doesn’t accuse me of having a form of an eating disorder for not eating eggplant, an insensitive comment to say the least. But, these small things he did on our first date made it evident that he didn’t live up to the standard that I want and need.
He probably wanted a woman who would sit there pretty, eat the food, compliment him on his ordering, and fawn over his assertive ordering technique, then go home with him. I, on the other hand, want a partner who is a tad bit more considerate, especially on a first date. Sure, I love a good charmer and an assertive ordering technique, but maybe splash in a bit more grace and acknowledgment of what the other party might want.
So, we ended the date, and I told him it was nice to meet him but that I didn’t really think we were a great match. He was surprised but appreciated that I was direct. And that was that.
I’ve met so many women who go on terrible first dates, but still line up a second one to see if their behavior has changed. That my friend, is a personal choice, but something that I've found really isn’t a good use of my time. I can go into initial reactions and first impressions, but that’s for another day.
Looping back to the topic of boundaries, through setting these for myself in every facet of my life, I tend to make better choices creating better benefits in the long-term.
In a romantic sense, I actively choose to ensure I have time for myself, a partner who will support and respect my spontaneous ideas and work, and who won’t solve my own problems for me. We all need people in our lives who can respect the boundaries we have in place for our own identity. Without them, you create a co-dependency and unhealthy relationship.
The same goes for work. I now actively choose to begin my day reading my morning newsletters and drink a black cup of coffee and stop looking at emails after a certain point in the day. These boundaries are healthy for me and ensure I maintain a level of happiness that I crave, which in turn then contributes to my performance and how I continue to work smart and hard.
Boundaries are not limiting, in fact, they promote healthy growth. Knowing what you need, how you approach your work, and what your partner may need is key in evolving and not getting stuck in a repetitive cycle.
If this topic of boundaries interests you, I challenge you to read this article by Mark Manson. His guide to building strong personal boundaries in everyday life is a personal favorite of mine.
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