Oh, what bliss ignorance is… Ignorance can be a blessing at times, but also a curse.
We sometimes use ignorance as an excuse in situations where we deny the truth of what’s really going on. We use it as a crutch to just keep powering on with something because it’s easier to just sit comfortably in a situation, rather than change something.
Other times, we use the bliss of ignorance to hold onto a hope of sorts. We choose to ignore those odd or off feelings because sometimes ignoring something makes us feel better.
But both things I’ve found make it incredibly hard to grow. You see, without trusting your intuition or that gut feeling that is shouting at you from the pit of your stomach, you’re actively choosing to ignore your emotions.
In January, I was dating a good guy. A guy who I hold no malice in my heart towards. But before I explain, let me set the record straight here that I’m absolutely not here to shit talk that relationship or person.
During the beginning of the year, we were both trying to reset the relationship after going through a breakup in the fall. We were living in true bliss and ignorance. So excited to be back together, but walking swiftly through the broken glass of our past issues resulting in the both of us completely tiptoeing around one another.
We would have good days, and then bad days… And then another good day, and another bad day. The cycle would repeat week after week…. But we were infatuated with one another. Why couldn’t it work? We certainly wanted it to at the time.
But the fact is, I was being ignorant to my own honest feelings on the matter. Deep down, I knew my head (and heart) that I was never going to be able to get back to where we were.
I didn’t feel comfortable being public about it either because deep down I didn’t think it was going to succeed, yet I ignored that feeling and kept living in the bliss of our comfortable relationship. Not wanting to deal with the repercussions of ending the relationship when I should have, and actually sticking to it.
And it showed.
I wasn’t honest about my feelings, my intentions, some of my actions… I hid things from him, myself, my friends, all because I wanted to keep living ignorantly in my own facade of happiness that one day I’d feel comfortable enough to shout from the rooftops that our relationship was going to succeed. But the reality is, I knew that it was never going to be what I desire with love and a partnership.
What I didn’t realize at the time, was that by actively choosing to live ignorantly in this bliss of the denial of my feelings, is that it would result in a pretty ugly ending to our relationship.
The truth is when you directly, or indirectly, ignore the way you honestly feel, the truth comes out one way or another. Whether it be in your actions, expressions on your face, the crippling anxiety that you “can’t explain”, or even the urge to vomit... Your body knows. You know. And even the other party probably knows it too.
And this is a lesson I didn’t fully understand until the beginning of quarantine when the relationship officially ended (what a time to break up, am I right?).
I learned that it’s not healthy to live in ignorance. It’s not fair, or right, to continue to do something because you’re afraid to no longer live in your bubble of “everything is just fine” ignorance. Continuing to do something because you’re comfortable and don’t want to deal with the idea of being alone, deal with quitting that job and finding a new one, or even simply dealing with repercussions, is all just plain wrong.
You have to be authentic to how you deeply feel, and leave something behind if it’s not right. No matter what it is. Work, friends, relationships… all of it.
Looking back, I know the relationship wasn’t ever right for either of us. I can’t necessarily speak on his behalf, but if I was a betting woman I’d bet he feels the same.
You know what they say, your gut is always right. And I really believe it is.
You see, as I mentioned above, I used to have a really hard time trusting those gut feelings that would creep into my mind. I’d pass them off as anxiety or just odd thoughts and provocations.
I remember once in college, I had this really strange feeling that my boyfriend at the time was being unfaithful, and low and behold years later I came to discover he had been multiple times. Was that a sign of my intuition being right? Perhaps.
Now, we all fall into the spirals of letting our anxieties get the best of us, so knowing when it’s your anxiety creeping in and not that intuitive feeling that’s whispering in your ear is something I believe everyone has to learn. It’s a delicate, learned balance, my love.
Back in May of this year, I went through a whirlwind of an experience with one of my close friends. I won’t go into details, but throughout the entire situation, I couldn’t shake this underlying feeling that, at points, would make me so nauseous I’d vomit.
At the time, I blamed it completely on the adrenaline of my emotions and anxiety, but in reality, it was my intuition and my body’s way of telling me that the entire situation was simply wrong.
Your intuition speaks to you in weird ways, friend. And when it comes to you specifically, it could show up in all kinds of ways. For me, it’s usually this strange gut feeling that I can’t get out of my head that could be as simple as an underlying thought or as violent as vomiting in my parent’s bathroom.
When you know, you know. And when something doesn’t feel right, or if something does, you know. It’s like the old saying goes when you meet your soulmate you just “know”. I like to believe that for those who believe in soulmates, that this is a part of their intuition revealing that whomever they are with is the right move.
That all being said, I completely believe that some people have an incredibly strong intuition, and some do not. Intuition can be something you are inherently born with, but on the flip side, I like to think that our experiences evolve our capability to be intuitive.
For example, working in advertising over the last five years has developed my client intuition. I’m no master by any means, and I have many more years to learn, but I’ve become pretty good at guessing how my clients will react to a presentation, a problem, and so forth. This intuition has been completely learned.
Sure, a part of it could be the piece of me that is instinctually good at reading people, but the majority of it is due to the work experience and the things I’ve learned from my superiors.
You see, this year has empowered me to learn to trust my gut more. I’ve gone through many situations this year where I’ve refused to acknowledge or justify that gut feeling, but through time I've started to really trust myself more. Trust my instincts.
I've learned that the outcome almost always ends up being that initial feeling I had from the start that I actively chose to ignore. So, I've stopped ignoring it.
All this to say, this is not a lesson I’ve mastered, but one that I’m actively aware of and learning myself.
I’m learning to lean into my intuitive feelings, and thus far, it’s definitely helped me make better decisions over the last six months. Through doing this, I hope that over time it creates more positive outcomes.
My desire is that by reading this you listen to that feeling, learn to trust your instincts, and stay honest with your emotions and what you want in life. Whether that be in your career, the friends you keep around, choosing what your next move is, problems with your family, or even yourself.
All I ask is that you listen to that intuition of yours... because it's usually right.
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