A little over two years ago when I was still living in Atlanta, three of my college friends came down for a quick visit to explore the city from my local view. Atlanta is a city full of obscure neighborhoods, hidden bars, gorgeous parks, interesting food, and of course the classic beltline inspired by the NYC high line.
During this visit when we were perched up at Lingering Shade about twenty minutes down the road from my apartment, we decided to play a game.
The game didn’t have a name, but the point was for the other three members of the group to select one word that describes the fourth individual. The hook was they all had to be in alignment with the word and eloquently describe why that word fits the fourth person so well.
We went around the room and each person listed an adjective, and then we would each spout out our opinion on whether or not we agreed. We would finally align on a word and then describe it to the fourth person.
The exercise was exciting, but also enlightening.
It’s interesting how those closest to us can identify a characteristic that so perfectly fits our own identity, yet we aren’t even aware of it ourselves. The fact is, those closest to us tend to sometimes know us better than we like to admit.
We also tend to look at our relationships through rose-colored glasses. And those closest to us obviously don’t have that same rose-colored view. They see things as they are. They see a perspective of how we act around our significant other, vs how we act around our friends, vs how they act around us, and so forth.
And sometimes this results in a negative piece of feedback. And that’s not so fun. But I’ve found through my experience, my friends always have my back and usually know when I’m dating a winner vs a loser. I also know that those closest to me always do it out of genuine love. There’s no malicious intent in telling me their honest opinion of my relationships.
In the same lane, I’m also cognizant that their opinions don’t define how I feel. I’m empowered to drive my own life, and the opinions of others aren’t my backseat drivers. I view their opinions as signals or “engine checks”. They keep me grounded and encourage me to analyze what I'm doing is in fact right for me. And if it is, I express that, and they support me fully.
What I value is their honest, outside perspective… Because at the end of the day, they love, appreciate, and want the best for me. I know that they’ll support whatever decisions I make with work, relationships, myself, and more.
All this inspires me to write about how important it is to be surrounded by people who lift you up.
For a period of time, I surrounded myself with people who didn’t bring me value, and quite frankly didn’t make me feel very valued. In the background, I always had those few friends who were my rocks, my ‘Value Bringers’ we’ll call them. But, I continued to look for a quantity of friends over quality of friendships.
I got to a point in college where half the relationships I had built there were based on superficial experiences and going to the bars. At the time, it was fun and exciting. I always had something to do, somewhere to be, someone to go with me… and so on. But it was unfulfilling. I’d go home to Franklin and vent to my best friend Paige that some of the people I hung out with in college just didn’t understand me, push me, or really care about what was going on in my head behind the scenes.
And one day it just clicked and I asked myself, ‘why am I spending my time with people who didn’t bring me value?’ These people hardly even knew me. If I had done the exercise I mentioned above regarding identifying an adjective, they probably would have picked something incredibly surface level.
So, I stopped hanging out with those people. I started spending more time with and investing in the ones who made me feel valued. And, I started spending more time with myself.
To dive briefly in on the subject of spending time with you... Spending time alone is incredibly imperative to learning how to love and respect yourself. You have to be comfortable in your own skin before you can fully give love to others. At the end of the day, you’re the one who has to live with yourself. You might as well learn to love yourself or work to love yourself so you can grow into the kind of person you can feel proud of.
Now, back on the topic of Value Bringers...
When I started investing more in the people that brought me value, the entire environment changed around me, and I grew from it. I started having deeper conversations, bigger more exciting plans, more confidence, and the trust I built with those closest to me created relationships that were built on honesty, respect, and appreciation.
Surrounding yourself with humans who bring you value will make you smarter, stronger, and wiser. Your army of Value Bringers could be big or small, it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, what matters is investing in the people who bring value to your life, and saying “fuck-off” to those who don’t. Because trust me, you don’t need them.
My longest friend, Paige, the other day out of the blue posted a really wonderful thing on Instagram about me. It was completely random and for no reason. I’m sharing this because it was something that completely made my day and furthermore proves my point that by investing in the right relationships, you find that those people will be the ones to lift you up and encourage you to grow. The friendship I hold dear with my longest friend Paige is a perfect example of this.
Her post read,
“For those of you that don’t know this girl, she is my allll time bestie. We have been besties since we were 3. One of those friendships that you’ll have for a lifetime.
Hayley is one of the best people you will meet. She has a way of making everyone feel heard. She has the best open mind and is always down to hear your point of view.
There is no reason for this post other than I just want to cheer her on!
Hay, I love watching you chase your dreams. You inspire me to just go for life, even if it’s by yourself.. you take the first step and just figure out the rest along the way. Thanks for always feeling all the feels and loving so deeply. You are one of the best people I know! I love you, thanks for being my best friend!”
Now, I'm not saying that your value bringers should be bragging about you on social media, or sending you love notes every day. Why I’m sharing the above is to show you that true friendships, the ones that bring you that killer value, bring out the best versions of yourself.
Paige, for as long as she’s been in my life, has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders. She and I have been through what feels like a lifetime of growth. We’ve watched each other grow, fail, fall in love, fall out of love, graduate, mourn, and so much more. And through it all, we have maintained a friendship that is built on more than just time - It’s built on respect and love.
Paige is an incredible woman. She is exploding with an infectious personality and has a wonderful talent of being about to lift others up in any situation, whether she may know them very well or not. Her drive and ambition are remarkable. The girl worked her ass off during high school and college in order to make her passion a reality, and it’s paid off ten-fold. She is a perfectionist by nature, but a goofball at heart. She pushes herself harder than anyone I know, yet still somehow has time to love on and appreciate her tribe (and her plants). She’s remarkable, enough said. She lifts me up in ways that I’ll never be able to describe and has become through the years more than just a best friend, but a sister to me.
A surprising friendship I found when studying abroad in Greece five years ago was with my best friend Molly. Molly happens to have the same birthday as I do, and we bonded over this while drinking Mythos together at a bar in Glyfada. Now, five years later, she has proven to be one of my most loyal friends. Molly is a firecracker and is always down to go on any adventure you propose. She is fierce but incredibly lovely. And her heart might also be the size of the moon, but I'm no doctor or scientist. She is very smart, driven, and lets no challenge dominate her. Molly is the kind of friend you could call at 4:15 AM in the morning who would drop everything around her and drive to wherever you were. She inspires me to fight for what I want and deserve, and I'm very grateful for how she brings this out in me.
Another friendship that is newer, is my relationship with my best friend Alex. Alex and I met my senior year of college at The University of Tennessee, and over the course of attending weddings, Tennessee tailgates, and various visits between Nashville, Atlanta, and New York City, we’ve become very close. Alex has a very solid head on his shoulders. He is composed but always knows how to have a good time… especially on the dance floor. Through his determination and dedication, he has built a really solid life for himself in Nashville. To top it all off, he’s a really incredible person. Alex has a wonderful gift of making those closest to him feel so loved, valued, and heard. He’s never afraid to tell me like it is (in the most loving way), and offers a sound perspective on any sticky situation. He brings me value and I truly admire his work and life ethic.
Now, just to be clear, I have quite a few Value Bringers that are in my life, and I don’t think there are enough blog posts in the world to list out each and every one of them. So if you're one of those Value Bringers in my life, I'm sorry you weren't mentioned, but do know that you hold a very dear place in my heart. And, don’t even get me started on my family members (both immediate and extended)… I know the saying goes, ‘you can’t choose your family’ but man, did I get lucky.
I do want to also make it clear that I’m not bragging on this either. I just simply cut out the people who didn’t deserve my commitment or value me. Life is too short to surround yourself with negative people who don’t help you grow.
Now, to bring this full circle, what I really want to get across through this entire piece is the fact that friendships that bring you value impact your identity.
Through surrounding myself with a tribe of humans who bring me value, I’ve cultivated a solid cheer squad of humans who raise me up. This, as much as I sometimes don’t like to admit it, has impacted the opinion I hold of myself. Through saying “fuck-off” to the people who don’t lift me up, I’ve gotten rid of a lot of negative energy, and invested in a lot of positive.
The fact is, by choosing to be surrounded by my Value Bringers, I've impacted the woman I am today and I wouldn't be who I am without them. I’m more confident, driven, inspired, and most of all I feel so encouraged and loved. And for all this, I am incredibly grateful.
You see, the people who know you the best, focus on bringing out the best in you. For these Value Bringers appreciate and respect you for who you are, and want to see you succeed. So, if you’re not surrounded by a tribe of humans who say “hell yeah you got this” to whatever your latest passion is, maybe try reassessing who you surround yourself with… because believe it or not, it impacts much more than you consciously realize.
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